For real, tho...

I'm deeply troubled. There's something that's been on my mind for a while now and it seems it's on everyone else's mind, too- so I'll just get it out there:

Racism.

Lots of "journalists" are writing about it; blogging about it; labeling people with it.
Here are the facts about racism, as I see it:

Those who focus on race as a primary character trait are racist.
Racism was, at one point in our recent history, a serious and dangerous problem.
To accuse someone of racism without proof is a dangerous act.

Real racism caused discrimination, humiliation and beatings for people just like you and me- except they were black. Or Jewish. Or Asian, etc. People who just wanted to work, raise a family and eat in a diner weren't just called names. They were arrested, kidnapped and sometimes killed because they were different but chose to stand up and say, "Hey- this isn't right."

All those things happened before I was born in 1971, thankfully. However, as a white girl who grew up in the post-segregation South, I tend to think of my generation as "post-racial". I've never known a world that was segregated. I've never gone to an all white school or church. I've never been on an all white bus or eaten in a "whites-only" restaurant. As a matter of fact, I tend not to see color when I see people. You see, my generation learned Dr. King's famous "I Have a Dream" speech by heart: we honestly and truly believe that we should judge a man by the content of his character than by the color of his skin. We've never lived any other way.

Anyway... there's been much talk of "racism running rampant" in the Tea Party movement. On the day Congress signed the healthcare bill into law, 3 black Congressmen decided to walk through the middle of the anti-healthcare protest outside the Capitol. Afterwards, Rep. Carson found a reporter and told a story about being called "the n word about 15 times by about 15 people". Rep. Carson had a true civil rights icon back up his claim- thus making it legitimate, as least for members of the media who focus on race like a laser.

To this day, Rep. Carson can't prove his allegations, but he set off a firestorm of media coverage of (not alleged...) racist protestors. There's video evidence from all different angles and all different times during the protest and not once to we hear racial slurs. No one has stepped forward with proof and now, Rep. Carson doesn't want to talk about it anymore. Wouldn't you think, out of all the video and audio recorded that day that SOMEONE would have proof? Rep. Carson, I don't believe you. I think you're lying. And what you're lying about it the most despicible lie you could ever tell. You should be ashamed of yourself.

The media who reported this lie is also to blame. It's an allegation until there's proof- but no reporter waited for proof. Unfortuately, it's a sad commentary on the way newsrooms are run all over the country: "of course there was racism because these are white people who might be Republicans..."

I had a discussion about this via Facebook with a man who runs a newsroom and he said to me "just because there's no proof doesn't mean it never happened." WHAT?! If I'd used that excuse with any news director I'd ever worked for, I'd have been fired. Sorry- if you have no proof, then you can't run the story. That's how it works- but not for the people who focus so much on race. Those folks want to run every racial accusation. They can't get enough of it. What does that make them? It makes them racists. They can't see anything in Rep. Carson except a black man. They don't see the content of his character, only the color of his skin. Shame on them, too.

If you asked me how many black friends I have, I'd look at you funny, then it would take me a while to come up with the answer. Not because I'd have to dig to find any black friends, but because I don't think of people I know as black, white, Asian, Jewish... I think of them as people. For example:

I worked with a girl once who I really liked. She and I started the same day, doing the same job and were around the same age. I looked at her as a potential friend. We both faced the challenges of being flat broke, no decent clothes to wear on tv, a crazy news director (literally) and trying to figure out how to work those enormous video cameras ourselves. Then, she said something that changed it all: she told me that she planned to get as far as she could in tv by using her race. I realized at that moment, she didn't want to be my colleague. She wanted to take advantage of something so sensitive and emotionally charged, she was assured of succeeding instead of relying on her own merits. I wrote her off that day as a friend and as a journalist.

Another friend recently got a much deserved promotion at my former station to sports anchor/reporter. When he announced it, I was so happy for him and his family! There wasn't another person who would have been better for the job. This guy is smart, handsome, has a great voice and a stunning knowledge and love of sports. He's also working in his hometown area- it's a win all the way around. Was he promoted because he's black? Dunno. It never entered my mind.

When Steven and I first got married, a local rabbi made a big deal about me not being Jewish. He told me I'd have to choose between Christmas and Channukah and that I'd have to decide immediately about raising my children as Jews. He also was very upset about how little I knew about Judaism- although it was MUCH more than my Jewish husband knew...
Other Jewish people I met would say things like, "well, you don't look Jewish." My father in law mentioned something about how much times had changed; that 30 years ago he would never have allowed his son to marry a Gentile. Funny, I thought I was just a girl in love with a guy...

The way I see it, all these racists who keep bringing up racism charges are kinda like the guys you've met who always talk about sex, but really don't get it...

Please make sure you stand up to people who promote racism. It's not just because it's wrong- it's because our country will never get past race as long as so many people are focused on it. Let's change the conversation to the real issues and make those who peddle this kind of hate accountable for their actions.

I'm just sayin'...

So, sue me...

When I was pregnant with my first son, I went 10 days past my due date. When my ob decided it was time to induce labor at 8:00 am on July 31, 2001, I was so excited. However, after 13 hours and no progress, my doctor suggested a c-section. At that point, I would have performed it myself because I was so ready to have this baby!

Along the way, something happened. I don't know what happened, because I received general anesthesia and when I woke up, I had my baby boy. I found out 2 years later that David's umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck and he was blue from lack of oxygen when the ob started to deliver him. It took the medical team 3 successive tries to get my baby breathing before he finally could do it on his own. No one said a word about it at the time...

Over the next few years, I noticed that something wasn't "right" with David. After much work and testing, a neuropsychologist determined that my firstborn baby boy suffered from an autistic spectrum disorder. The psychologist says it's probably due to his lack of oxygen and traumatic birth.

Lots of people say "Oh, I would sue that doctor!" Why? No amount of money will change David's diagnosis. He is who he is- there's no option of wondering who or what he "could have been". Besides, from where I sit, the ob did her job and did it well: there was a problem with the baby, she put me under so I didn't have to experience the horror of it and that doctor saved my baby's life. Because of her, I didn't have a stillborn baby. Should she (or someone) have told me what happened afterwards? Absolutely. But whether she told me or not, the outcome would have been the same- except she was probably worried I would sue.

I've had 6 different OB/GYN's during my 10 years in Connecticut. Most of the doctors either retired or moved to other states where it's safer to deliver babies because of malpractice laws. According to the American College of Obstetrics and Gynocologists, 88 % of obstetricians in my area had claims against them last year- nearly 2.5 claims per doctor. Half of those were "neurological impairment" to the infant- and the average damage award was more than $1,000,000. In Connecticut and surrounding areas, many obs cut the number of high risk pregnancies they were willing to take by 25% due to fear of malpractice litigation and rising malpractice insurance costs. 10% of ob/gyns decided to pack it up and retire.

Medical malpractice attorneys McCullough, Campbell and Lane, LLC tell people on their website that Connecticut has no cap on the amount of compensatory damages a plantiff can receive- and a patient has up to three years to make that claim.

Even if the case is dropped, the doctor's insurance premiums go up and the complaint is part of that doctor's permanent record. Connecticut state law requires doctors to carry a minimum of $500,000 of coverage for each occurance plus 3 times that amount in total.

What does it all mean? It means that for all the crying about healthcare reform and all the folks who feel they have a "right" to healthcare, wouldn't it make sense to change the malpractice laws to bring down costs instead of adding trillions to the US debt? To "insure" 30 million people out of 350 million while doctors are drowning in insurance costs and having to pass that cost on to patients is bad business. Things happen. Doctors are human and sometimes, they make mistakes. Sometimes, like in David's case, there's no mistake- just a doctor doing what she does best. Nothing's perfect, friends. I'd rather have my baby boy and his issues than bring flowers to his tiny grave every year. Thank you, Dr. Cuccia.

I'm just sayin'...

If you don't have anything nice to say...

I don't know if any of you happened to read the NY Times opinion columnist Gail Collins' article called "A Confederacy of Dunces". Ms. Collins talks about how dumb southerners are and how we're all too stupid to realize why we really fought the Civil War- apparently, we're all inherent racist Republicans who skew history to suit our own purposes.

At least that's what I took away from this article. You can judge for yourself:

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/04/08/opinion/08collins.html


I looked at Ms. Collins' bio and funny, I didn't see where she'd lived in the south or spent any time in the south- ever. I didn't see where she was a history major with an emphasis in Civil War Studies. It would appear that Ms. Collins has spent most of her time in New York City and Connecticut. It also seems Ms. Collins isn't an expert, but she writes like she is. And people believe her-you should read the comments after the article.

Ms. Collins decided that southern states chose to secede from the Union only because they wanted to keep slaves and celebrating Confederate History Month is shameful. It's shameful because the governor of Virginia didn't include slavery in that celebration and shameful because the Confederacy was bad.

The Confederacy was not bad. The Confederacy was the South's answer to a federal government pressing down with more and more regulation and interference. At that point in history, individual states functioned as individuals- the federal government had very little control over what states did. With more intrusion came the push-back, and when both sides reached a standoff, the southern states decided that being part of the Union wasn't in their best interests.

NO ONE would ever argue that slavery isn't wrong. You cannot buy, sell or own another human being because humans have free will. According to the website www.sedition.com "In the South, the sentiment against slavery was strong; it led some to believe that it would also come to an end there in due time... Nor did Southern men confine their sentiments to expressions of academic opinion. They accepted in 1787 the Ordinance which excluded slavery from the Northwest territory forever and also the Missouri Compromise, which shut it out of a vast section of the Louisiana territory."

Folks up north kept slaves, too. The same writer at sedition.com writes that when the Constitution was signed, there were as many "bondsmen in New York as in Georgia".

We will never, ever get past these racial issues if we don't stand up to people like Gail Collins. She's the person focused on race- not Governor McDonnell. Virginia's celebration of Confederate History isn't racist or stupid- it's simply a celebration of part of Virginia's history. Would Ms. Collins want to see a Black History Month as a celebration of slavery? True, it's part of black heritage- but most black people I know want to celebrate the achievements of those who came before them while also acknowledging the struggles. How is Governor McDonnell any different? Is it because he's white? She can't have it both ways. Why don't we all show Ms. Collins that we're not stupid and she's no expert- it doesn't matter where your from. You can send an email directly to Gail Collins at this address: http://www.nytimes.com/gst/emailus.html or by looking her up on the NY Times website.

I'm just sayin'...

Children and Animals...only

I was talking to Mama the other day about my youngest son and some issues he's having. As always, the conversation turned to "well, bless his little heart" and "well, you know, we never could...because we didn't have..."

"Bless his heart" is a southern sympathy phrase. Like, "Bless his heart, we always knew he was stupid" or "Bless her heart, she don't know no better". I use it and so do most other southerners I know.

The other phrases always tend to give me an emotional rash. My mother is the best victim I've ever met. She can turn anything into a reason why she "can't". Mama would love to grow some flowers this year, but her oxygen tank she has to carry for her COPD is too heavy. Mama really wishes she could have given me "more" while I was growing up, but Daddy wouldn't let her. She says she's sad about all the opportunities she missed in her life because she didn't know she could do "anything"... oh, and Daddy kept her from everything else.

WHAT?!

Mama knows this type of thinking drives me nuts because I tell her. I remind her that she made the decision not to work- that's why we didn't have a lot of money. I point out that if she'd taken better care of herself (like exercising, not smoking, maintaining her weight) she wouldn't have COPD. I mention the fact that she and I were living in the same house with the same man and somehow I managed to come away with a completely different attitude. Her answer? "Well, I see that NOW."

Except, she doesn't. She is a victim because she chooses to be a victim. It works for her. Mama taught my brother how to be a victim, too. It's not his fault that he's a felon or that he's been married 6 times or that he's a high school dropout. I'm not sure who's fault it is, but the fault in no way lies with my brother. Committing a crime or marrying someone with questionable morals aren't choices- at least in my mother's eyes. It's fate and there's no way to change it... but you can make it work for you as an identity.

Please don't misunderstand me... I love my mother. She makes me crazy, but I love her and do my best to take care of her without encouraging "victimhood". And, she knows all this already so when she reads it, trust me- it won't surprise her.

People who believe life should be easy want everyone else to believe it, too. It makes them feel better about the path they've chosen. Governments and religions also like "victims". It's much easier to keep a handle on a victim than an independent person. If it's God's will, then there's nothing you can do about it. If you depend on the government for your health care, make sure you vote for the political party that provided it or it MIGHT be taken away...

In the words of our President: Let me be clear... there are only two categories of victims in this world. Children, who don't ask to be born and can't defend themselves, are the first. Animals who depend on humans for food, shelter and kindness are the second. Everybody else is blessed with free will and the opportunities to make his or her life productive.

I tell my children every day that we all have challenges, but it's how we handle those challenges that shows our character. I try to show my boys the relationship between the choices they make and the effect it has on their situation. I will not raise victims.

How do you handle your challenges?

I'm just sayin'...

Welcome... to me.

Thanks so much for reading my blog! I'll start my blogging "career" by telling you about me. Many people over the years suggested I "write a book" about my life. I think they were just being kind, but I'm doing it now so grab some caffeine and stay with me.

Growing up, my family was very poor- like the kind of poor you read about but think it couldn't possibly exist in the late 20th century. We didn't have a phone until I was 13 (that was 1984) and many nights there was no food for dinner. Mama and Daddy often got cutoff notices on our electric bill, water bill, etc- but with Daddy's 5th grade education, there weren't a lot of higher paying jobs available. Mama didn't drive or work. She dropped out of school in 9th grade and when she married Daddy she became a housewife- which apparently translated to never leaving the house while being a wife.

When Mama did go out in public, it was to church. The entire maternal side of the family were (and are) members of the Church of Christ. No, not the Congregational Church and not the Church of Christ, Scientists. This is the Church of Christ, southern version- my grandmother founded the congregation in her front yard (but couldn't lead services because women weren't allowed to be in charge) and then the congregation moved to a building down the road. The C of C has a very strict interpretation of the Bible- there's no instrumental music because God didn't specify instruments; God said "make a joyful noise... with your hearts" which apparently means voices but not pianos. We observed the Lord's Supper every week, Christmas wasn't celebrated as Christ's birthday (because the Bible didn't say he was born on 12/15) and there was NO questioning that the Church of Christ was and is the ONE TRUE CHURCH. That's where my wheels came off the wagon...

I went to work when I was 12 years old because I needed to buy clothes for myself and sometimes, food. I worked my way through high school and college- sometimes two jobs- until I finally graduated and found a job in my chosen field of television news. I still worked 2 jobs because, contrary to popular belief, only Katie Couric is making millions in tv.

After a few years of some really fun assignments and some really crappy apartments, I landed in Macon, Georgia. There I met Prince Charming. I saw Steven for the first time on the day I interviewed for my job and I knew I was in trouble. I chased him for a year before we finally started dating, we got engaged 4 months later and married in April 2000.

Now, I live a thousand miles from Georgia and light years away from how I grew up. But I learned some valuable lessons from being a poor, white, unpopular, fundamentalist Christian girl: The only victims in this world are children and animals. If you want something, work hard for it or you don't deserve it. Your education never ends and what's in your mind belongs to you alone- no one can repossess it.

And the most important thing I've learned: Growing up with nothing, I wanted SO much. Now, I could have anything I want, but I realize that I'm completely satisfied with being loved, safe and happy.

I'm just sayin'...